Away From Him
by Adarian
Summary: Tabris is traumatized and badly injured after the battle with the Mother. Alone and wanting the one she loves, she instead is presented with the one who may understand more than she could believe. Written as a kink-meme prompt.


Tabris too fell as the Mother drew out her last scream. Nathaniel ran to her side, scooping her into his own arms as Anders examined her. She struggled to keep her eyes open, her hand resting on her bleeding chest.

She looked up, watching Anders' worried face, and for a moment, she thought it was Alistair. She smiled, remembering a better time as unconsciousness took over her body.

She opened her eyes again as they entered into the Wastelands, seeing the party of Grey Wardens standing before them. She vaguely heard a familiar voice commanding Nathaniel to hand her over. She feverishly wondered if Alistair had come back, if he had come to rescue her from the pits of hell itself.

She collapsed into the other man's arms, closing her eyes again as they made the journey back to Vigil's Keep.

oOoOoOo

She woke in her bed, the last images of her dream fading from her mind. She gasped loudly as she stood, the memory of a bloodied Varel shocking her into consciousness. Her hand went to her chest, feeling the still broken bones underneath her fingers. The blood drained from her face. The past twenty-four hours had not been a dream.

Tabris rose painfully, holding her side as she reached out for her ruined clothes. She dressed, wincing, hearing the echoing voices in the Keep below them. She paused, sitting on her bed as she laced her boots. Had the rest of it been true as well? Had Alistair returned? She vaguely remembered his face, remembering being carried. She pushed that aside.

Tabris made her way down into the dining hall, watching the Grey Wardens stand and kneel as she entered among their ranks. She signaled for them to stand, a servant coming to ask if she felt like eating. She paused, watching the dwarf look at her anxiously. The news of her injuries must have spread quickly, she decided, and ordered herself a breakfast she had no desire to eat.

She sat down near the edge of the room, knowing she was being watched. She had an urge to run back to her room and hide. But she knew the men needed her visible, she knew they needed to see that life would go on.

Her hand shook slightly and she hid it below the table. There would be time to deal with her own demons later.

The same servant arrived again with a bowl of porridge, informing her that he would do Varel's work until the Wardens had chosen another. Tabris nodded politely, biting her lip.

She ate only ate a few bites, but it was enough.

Her men and women stood again as she moved to leave. She was too tired to do more than nod before retreating to her chambers.

oOoOoOoOo

It was just past noon when Nathaniel entered her room, knocking politely on the door. Tabris did not recall inviting him in, but he did so regardless.

"Commander Straud will need to speak with you," Nathaniel said gently, "He wants to know exactly what happened here."

"Isn't it obvious?" Tabris said sardonically, swiveling from her desk to see him, "I burnt down Amaranthine. Then I made a deal with the Devil himself. Perhaps it would have been better if I had died in that pit, you would have made better decisions than I, Nate."

Nathaniel bowed his head, "You are injured, Commander. You have done what you could have. It is no time to second guess yourself. As your friend…I would seek out medical aid and see the Commander. The sooner the Orleasians leave…the sooner we can start to rebuild again."

Tabris nodded, "You're right, of course. You usually are. Please have them gather in the study. I will deal with Straud after I…make myself more presentable."

"And you'll see Anders?"

Tabris agreed, "I'll get looked at, I promise."

Nathaniel seemed skeptical as he left the room, closing the door behind him.

oOoOoOo

Tabris was dressed in black as she entered the study. Six Orleasian Wardens rose to their feet, bowing until she sat down at her desk. As she looked up, she saw a familiar sad smile. She closed her eyes, taking her focus back to the task at hand.

"I thank you, brothers," she began, "For coming to our aid after so many of your comrades had died here. The Ferelden Wardens owe a great debt to you all, one that we may never be able to repay. I believe my Second in Command has explained the events of what has occurred here in Amaranthine. We will be submitting a report to Weisshaupt, as well as to the King in Denerim. I hope you will also convey your information to your fellows in Orlais. News of what has happened here will spread quickly, and I'd rather it be as truthful as possible."

Straud nodded, "This is all well and good, Commander Tabris, but news of what has happened in the city below…the Wardens cannot be known as murderers. And when it is known that someone of your…heritage ordered the deaths of so many…perhaps it is not so wise for you to remain in command."

"My heritage has nothing to do with this," Tabris said, standing up, "I did as I was advised. I did not make the decision myself and I certainly did not make it without thought. Disease would spread. We had to protect the rest of the lands."

"And news of this…this…Architect. Is this so wise?"

"I do not know," Tabris replied, "It is for our superiors to decide if this relationship will continue. But it could mean the end of all Blights. Is that not something we must explore? Life at any cost. Sacrifice if need be. Or did you take different vows from me?"

Straud stood, "I will not be spoken to in this matter."

Tabris smiled darkly, "Certainly not by one of my breed. This meeting is adjourned. You are welcome to rest, but I expect you will want to return to your country folk soon."

The six stood to leave, one pausing as she walked towards him.

"What are you doing here?" Tabris asked quietly.

Loghain replied, "I was ordered here with my new brothers in arms. Aren't they a charming group? You should see them after a few ales."

Straud called Loghain and he nodded to her politely before he left the room.

Tabris held her side, feeling the blood soak again through her fingers. She had promised Nathaniel. She should go see Anders.

Yet as she walked back into the halls, her heart thudding against her ribs, she saw the faces of those who would never walk past her again. She saw the streets of the city she had razed to the ground. She saw the fingers of the Architect reach out towards her.

She felt as if her lungs were filling with lead.

Tabris grabbed her coat. The fresh winter air would do her good, certainly. Yet as she left the Keep's walls, the urge to keep going tugged at her heels. Some quiet in the woods, some quiet place where she could be alone, without anyone watching her. Just a quiet place.

She was too feverish to see her blood trailing down her gown and beading into the snow.

oOoOoOoOo

When the Warden did not come down to dinner, the Howe boy had told his delegation that the Warden-Commander was too tired to make an appearance. But Loghain was no fool. He could tell by watching his face that the boy had no idea where his Commander was and had not known for some time.

From what he had heard, this Nathaniel was a tracker, one that certainly would have been able to find the Warden if she was within the castle grounds. This was enough for Loghain to excuse himself as well from the meal and ready his survival pack. He knew his Warden well. He would find her soon.

Despite the heavy snowfall around them, he made out her small feet, the snow stained pink. He lifted it up to his nose, but he knew almost immediately that it was her blood. As quickly as he could without raising suspicions, Loghain made his way into the forests of Amaranthine.

It was not long before he found her, which made him even more disappointed in her choice of Second in Command. The Warden was huddled down into the snow, curled around her bleeding side. She looked up at him blearily, as if not believing him to be there.

Loghain cursed as he knelt down in the snow beside her. He lifted a poultice to her lips as he brought her gently in his arms. She drank slowly, some of the colour returning to her face.

"You stupid, stupid girl," Loghain grumbled, surprising himself with the amount of affection seeping into his words. Tabris looked up at him, her eyes clearing enough for her to recognize who he was.

"It's you," she murmured, but he could hear the disappointment in her words. Aye yes, him. The pariah, not the prince. Half a year since that whelp of Maric's had married his daughter, and yet he could still see that displeasure in her face. This was not a fairy tale rescue, not a charming prince, but an old man. Not a hero, but a villain.

Loghain muttered, "I never thought you would be this foolish. You've always been the self-sacrificing type. Is this your way of falling on your own blade in grief? Freezing to death in a mourning dress? I'm sure the people will love you more, but what example does it for your men? Legends make poor generals."

"I guess that explains why you lost to me," Tabris said, a faint smile cross her lips.

Loghain could not help but chuckle, "I suppose so. Come on now, Warden. You are too weak to walk, so before you argue, I will carry you. Don't let foolish pride make us spend more time in this infernal cold."

Loghain was gentle as he stood, holding her to him. She looked up him curiously, her cold hand touching his cheek.

She said gently, "It was you. You carried me back to Vigil's Keep."

"Your archer was too busy flirting with the medic," Loghain insisted, "And the others thought it was improper for them to carry one higher in rank then them. It was merely practical."

She closed his eyes as she leaned into his jacket, "I thought you were Alistair."

Loghain was quiet as she faded from him. He knew he should keep her talking, to make sure she did not fall into a sleep he could not wake her from. But to that, there was no response. He was not who she wanted there. He never would be.

oOoOoOoOo

Tabris woke again, hearing shouting outside her door. She was stripped naked, bundled beneath many blankets. She felt the strange buzz in her veins that followed intensive magical healing. She sat up, trying to puzzle what had happened, as her door opened and slammed again. She covered herself as she saw Loghain on her side of the door, a hand against his temple.

"I had a little chat with your Second," Loghain explained, "Perhaps he will be able to keep better tabs on his Commander next time instead of leaving her to die in the snow. At least your mage is…adequate. Much better than either of those insufferable women you used to travel with."

He glanced down and looked away, "Your clothes have been sent to the laundry. It was important to get you out of cold, damp things. I took no liberties, I assure you. I was returning merely to see that you had waken."

"Come to yell at me too?" Tabris asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Hardly," he replied, "I've seen you on the battlefield."

Loghain sat down in a chair beside her, pulling it closer to the bed.

"I know," he said quietly, "I know what it is like to lose men. To make tough decisions, ones that will haunt you the rest of your life. I'm sorry. It will make you a better Commander. It will make you stronger."

Tabris rolled over, looking towards the window and away from him, "This isn't what I want to hear. Aren't you supposed to give me some talk about how it gets easier?"

"I don't lie to you, Warden," Loghain said, "I never have. We're not so dissimilar. We are the ones that will be hated, despised, mainly by ourselves, for doing what we could with what we had. Your Keep still stands, Warden. You have done enough."

Tabris shook her head, "It's not enough. I feel like since the Blight, I've been doing…damage control. I keep fighting, but we keep losing. Sometimes more, sometimes less. There have been no victories."

"You're still alive," Loghain replied, "That's victory enough."

"Is that how you felt when I spared you?" She asked pointedly.

Loghain sighed, "No. But I came to realize it was. That for some reason, some reason I still cannot fathom, you chose to save my life. Twice now. I try to live to be worthy enough of that mercy."

Tabris turned, examining his face as he sat there quietly. It had only been a few weeks since had seen him, but he seemed much older than before. It should be Alistair there beside her. She still loved him. Months of yelling and screaming, months of him loathing her, but she still loved him. That, perhaps, hurt most of all. That even this man respected her more than the one who used to love her.

"You wish right now that you hadn't," Loghain replied, "That maybe I was just another mistake."

"No," Tabris admitted, "But I wish you had cost me less."

"You are stronger than this," Loghain said, his hand touching hers lightly. He withdrew it almost immediately, standing to go.

"Stay," she commanded, her hand reaching for his again. He did as she asked, letting her fingers trace over his scars, the cold still in her skin. She rested her hand against his, his fingers closed around hers.

"I'm scared," she admitted softly, "I'm scared that I've screwed up too much. That I can barely keep myself alive, never mind anyone else. I'm scared he's right. I'm scared that he's never coming back. That I've really lost him. That every time I screw up, I put another wedge in between us. I don't know…I don't know how to do this anymore."

His other hand came up to cup her face and she leaned into his touch.

"I'm not who you want here," Loghain replied, "We both know that."

"I can't be alone right now," she begged, tears finally coming to her eyes, "Please. Please don't leave me."

Ashamed of herself, she pulled away, hiding her face into the sheets. She heard the gentle thud of his boots hitting the floor and felt Loghain lie down beside her on top of the sheets. He held her tightly to him, curling his body around hers.

"Then pretend," he murmured, "Pretend you got what you wanted. Pretend I'm your prince."

For a shameful moment, Tabris closed her eyes, trying to imagine Alistair holding her once again. The smell of his skin against hers, the taste of his lips. The feel of…she sighed, feeling lips against her neck. But it was wrong…he wasn't there.

Tabris opened her eyes, turning to see Loghain beside her. She kissed him deeply, her hands clasping his face to hers. He held her close to him as her hands undid his stays, pulling his pants down around his ankles and pushing them onto the floor.

"Warden," he warned gently, but she ignored him as her hand reached his hardening cock.

"Take off your shirt, Loghain," She commanded, stroking him as he grew in her hand.

Loghain did as she asked as she pulled the blankets around him too. He laid beside her, her hands tracing down a scar on his chest. It seemed fitting. Alistair had accused her more than once of her infidelity with Loghain in one of their many arguments. It was worth it enough to have something to yell back at him.

Yet as he leaned in to kiss her, pressing his body into hers, perhaps there could be some comfort found in another warm body beside her. A man could desire her, even want her to be happy.

Loghain rolled on top of her, shielding her cold body with his. She breathed in his scent, holding unto his neck as kissed him. She could feel his erection digging into her thigh and the mere sensation was enough to make her wet. She reached down, guiding his cock towards her, stroking him gently. He held her body close to his as he slowly entered her.

Tabris gasped and he withdrew. She shook her head, kissing him quickly, and murmured, "Keep going."

Loghain entered again only partially, his hand cupping her face as he hilted himself inside her. Tabris moaned at the feeling of fullness, one she had missed for so many months. As he moved gently, his hand stroking her cheek, she let herself study his face. The look of concentration oddly amused her, causing her to smile. He looked up, his eyes meeting hers, an expression she had never seen before crossing his face.

He moved them to their sides, holding her from behind as he entered again, shallowly and slowly. His hand went to her breast as she covered his leg with hers. His other hand went to her clit, stroking her softly as he pushed into her. She moaned as his lips went to her neck, sucking gently.

She felt her body growing tenser, her legs shaking slightly as she neared her peak. Loghain kissed her neck, turning to her ear as he commanded, "Come."

She groaned, shuddering in his arms as he held her tightly, pushing onwards into her. She leaned back into him, into his arms as he thrust deeper into her. She pushed back into him, murmuring a quiet request in his ear.

Loghain responded, moving to a sitting position and allowing her to climb into his lap. She pushed herself down unto him, his arms wrapping around her as she quickened her motions, thrusting down unto him. His hands went into her hair, holding her close to him as she whimpered. She looked up, their eyes meeting before he kissed her fiercely. She came between kisses, his hands moving to cup her face. He came soon after with a surprised grunt, his fingers digging into her skin as he held her to him.

They stayed like this as he grew soft, their bodies pressed together. Tabris wanted to cry, the pressure on her chest beginning to fade. She felt like she could breathe now, if only shallowly. She opened her eyes, gazing into his for a quiet moment.

She curled back into the sheets, Loghain lying down beside her. He pulled her into his arms and she rested her head against his chest, allowing her breathing to slow until it matched his.

"Will it get easier?" She asked quietly.

"No," he replied, "You must keep yourself strong. You are strong enough to do this alone, Warden. But you must ask for help when you need it. Do not give up your own life and soul for this. It is not worth it. There are some things that should not be sacrificed."

Tabris did not respond, letting him pet her head softly.

"Sleep, Warden. You must regain your health."

"Will you stay here tonight?" She asked gently.

"As long as I can," he responded, kissing the top of her head.

She closed her eyes, feeling Loghain shift her body closer to him, his heart beat slow and steady underneath her.

Yes. She would rest. She would be stronger in the morning.


End file.
